The last week has been rough. Sure, I have good days, I have bad days. They usually even out. The last week though has been primarily bad.
There was a huge blow up with my insane step mother in law. I seriously thought she was going to put her hands on me -- while I was holding Violet. I almost put her head through a wall. Since then, I have been avoiding her like the plague. I would really hate to have to go to prison for murdering an inconsiderate woman that isn't worth the effort. So, I stay out of the way.
My days consist of being cooped up in my bedroom, with my dogs who are annoying the crap out of me, and the baby. I have to admit, I am not dealing very well.
While I was pregnant I often wondered what kind of mom I'd be. Would I somehow learn patience? Would I instantly have a cooler temperament? Would I instantly feel all those lovely dovey feelings about my baby that other moms felt about their kids?
I love Violet so much. That can't be denied. She is the most important thing in my life and I would do anything for her. It is just when the screaming, the fussiness, the crying won't end and I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind.
You know how babies have normal crying, and then they have the INTENSE, piercing your eardrums, shrieking like they are being murdered, sort of crying? It is the latter that I can't deal with. I have to put her down, or give her to my husband and walk away for a few minutes. Not always, but sometimes.
It is hard to tap into your patience when you are going on little sleep, are irritated with your in-laws who you resent because they give you no privacy, and a baby whom you can't make happy. I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I'll admit I've had my fair share of breakdowns this week though.
On top of the stupid drama with my in-laws, there is the money factor. That alone would be enough to trigger a breakdown on my part. My husband decided to change jobs after Violet was born, which I originally encouraged because he hated his job, but it has been nearly 3 weeks now with no money coming in and we're circling the drain. The good news is that today he was offered what we hope will be a much better job, financially and much better suited for his talents.
As soon as we have some money put together for a place to rent we are going to get the hell out of here. Which is good, cause I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I have to be here any longer.
The scary aspect for me is that starting tomorrow morning, when my husband starts his new job, I will be on my own with Violet for the first time. Honestly, I'm scared shitless. I won't even deny it. Will I be able to handle it? What if she cries for hours on end and I can't figure out how to make her happy? What if I break down?
When I was a teenager I had some bouts with depression that I took medication for, and it helped. I'm not certain if what I'm feeling is just the normal, "baby blues" as it is called, or the beginning signs of postpartum depression. I'm keeping tabs on it either way, believe me. I have good days, and bad, and on the good days I feel like what I'm going through is very normal, especially for first time moms. It is very easy to feel overwhelmed.
All I can do for now is hang in there.