I think my brain is broken.

Wow. What a day. It was bad. The worst I've ever had.

Last night was so good. Violet slept like a champ. We were so thrilled to have gotten 4 hrs of sleep at one time.

Today...very, very bad. Non stop screaming from about 12-6pm. She was inconsolable. Nothing I did made a difference. I had about 10 nervous breakdowns. So much crying, on both our parts.

God, I need help. Somewhere inside of me I know I have to get through this. I just feel like I can't. I'm not cut out for it. I'm not strong enough.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor to talk about postpartum depression. I'm so ashamed.

17 comments:

Audrey said...

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

I read your blog all the time and today NEED to comment. I have three children - my second was exactly what you describe - crying ALL the TIME - it seemed like 24/7. I distinctly remember standing in the kitchen, with her screaming in her crib, and yelling to my mom that I did not want her, that if someone offered me $5, I would gladly sell her. And at that moment, I meant it. Hormonal craziness, severe sleep deprivation, the stress of your first child - it is brutal, make no mistake. No one tells you that parenting is not all tiny socks and bonnets - some days it really really sucks, a LOT. More than you dreamed it could, and the disappointment of how reality doesn't line up with your vision makes it even worse. You know what? That is not your fault. It is not a reflection of your skills as a parent, or your love of your child, or a sign of weakness. You need help. Someone to help you so you can get a few hours of sleep. Help figuring out ways to minimize Violet's crying (is it reflux, colic ?) and help you if you are suffering from post-partum. Which, by the way, only indicates that your body is having trouble recalibrating itself after the stress of pregnancy and birth. I will admit to you that I was treated for depression, not after the birth of my child, but after a year in which three traumatic event occurred in short order. Stress takes a physical toll on your body. Sometimes you need to treat that chemically or in other ways (meditation, jogging - whatever.) I promise you, all this will pass one day. Every day, things will get a tiny bit better, and someday, you will, I swear to God, look back on this and laugh. You can reach me (if you want) at b.soggs (at) adelphia (dot) net.

Anonymous said...

Hello:
I just located your blog thru another and feel compelled to tell you that with the wallpaper you used it is extremely hard to read your entries.

Shelly said...

I've never noticed a problem with your entires...maybe it's that commenters computer...my sister has a mac and sometimes that makes things wierd compaired to a pc. PLUS...UHHH who cares about your wallpaper...you have bigger fish to fry at the moment!

Girlfriend, DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED! You are under so much stress at the moment, you body has just gone through hell plus that crazy beast you live with...even someone without a crying baby would be depressed! I'm thinking of you! You take care of yourself mama...you are doing a good thing going to the doc!

Madeline said...

You should not feel ashamed - you should feel proud of yourself for being strong enough to ask for help. Seriously.

Waylon & Willie - the Boston Terrier brothers said...

Do not be ashamed! Being a 1st time mom too, I know this is one of the hardest things I have ever done - emotionally and physically. I wish I had more words of wisdom. You are not crazy, you are like any 1st time mom..seriously!
Lots of hugs,
Jennifer, Lauren and licks from Waylon & Willie

Dooneybug said...

Do NOT feel ashamed!!! Look, this parent thing is hard. HARD! This will be the most trying times but you will survive it and one day you will even think you might like to have another one.

Talk to your doctor, talk to your daughter's pediatrician and see if they can help. I know you are in a place where you don't know many people so it's hard to find help. Ask the doctors office if they know of any support groups for new moms. A lot of times they do! There's no other understanding sole right now than someone who is right there in the trenches with you!!

Melissa said...

Ali hon, you have my cellphone. Please give me a call. Email if you've lost the number. Don't even think twice about it.

Listen...you're not alone..you're one in gazillion times a gazillion more..

I know..cause I've been there done that and I've had HUNDREDS of emails from moms that say one of the things they like about my blog is that I also admit that we don't always feel like we like our kids...our spouses..and we sometimes think we suck as moms.

It's normal. Trust me.

My blog is still not back, but I'm here and so email and call ANYTIME and I do mean that. Well..maybe not at 3am in the morning..hehe

Talk to your doctor..consantly..don't feel afraid to bother them and make sure they come up with things that will help you.

I know C has a new job and he's been helpful...keep making sure though you get you time and try to make some of it outside. You need to get the blood circulation going to help with hormal issue going on..

Even if everything was perfect with work, home, family..sleeping..eating etc..you'd STILL have problems because a major physiologial change is taking place. You're hair is gonna start falling out..crazy mood swings and crying..anger and fear...forgeting to eat...I could keep going on but I feel yucky myself and I need to get going..

And please...join a mommy's group. Call the hospital where you had Violet..I'm sure they have one or can refer you. You need to get out and be with other moms right now and it will be good for you. I know you might not be able to right now with the healing and all..but don't let too much time go without getting into a support group.

My grandma told me forever ago..Motherhood isn't for wimps..it's rough and no walk in the park. We're going to feel things that normal people feel..even ones that love their kids. Don't be ashamed or guilty.

I'm be surprised if you WEREn't feeling any of this.

Oh..and have that ped take a look at Violet.....gone are the days were we have to blindly deal with our kids acting like they are suffering or trying to crack all glass objects within a 50 mile radius with their shirls.

Something could be wrong..like colic or reflux.

Even if she doesnt' spit up like crazy she could still have reflux and theres treatment for it.

Plus..babies can't digest cows milk like they should be able to. Breastfeeding doesn't always work..no big deal..and sometimes moms do both, but those of us who have btdt know that sometimes you have to change formulas quite a few times before you find one that your baby can tolerate.

Discuss Colic and treatments
Discuss reflux and treatments
Discuss formula digestion and alternatives

*some formulas are supposed to be easier on the belly

Try giving her a bath with J $ J's lavender body wash

I gtg..I'll check back tomorrow with an email.

Sarcomical said...

oh, honey. please do not be ashamed. this is nothing that other women don't sometimes go through, and it only makes you more of a fantastic mother to be proactive right away.

this must be so. hard. you have every right to the feelings you're having.

here's to better days soon. ;)

Nanette said...

I echo everyone else's sentiments - do NOT be ashamed! You're going through a lot right now. Seek help if you need it!

More *hug* to you!

C'tina said...

Parker,
You are doing everything you can. Don't be hard on yourself.
http://mylicon.com/products/index.jhtml Someone mentioned this product earlier. We used to lay baby on his back, hold his feet and slowly bring his knees towards his chest...thinking it might loosen up any gas bubbles...laying baby tummy-down on your lap and patting her back may help.

Not a day goes by I wish I hadn't done a bunch of things different/better with my kids.

Annie said...

This is such a time of flux for you - do not panic that you aren't strong enough - this happens to so many of us. Your life has changed in every imaginable way and it's overwhelming. Your baby sounds colicky. Most newborns have colicky times, and others have it more often, or seemingly all of the time. Talk to your own doctor about how you feel, but also talk to the pediatrician about the baby and get all and any suggestions they have.

If you don't have it already, I can't recommend highly enough Dr Harvey Karps 'Happiest Baby on the Block' - he has great techniques for calming babies and they worked instantly with my first baby who while not constantly colicky, certainly had her fair share of crying and screaming jags.

This will get better - I promise.

Try to keep your chin up in the meantime and know that you CAN do this!

AM said...

Maybe its PPD, maybe you are just NORMAL. Seriously, I remember sobbing at 8am in the morning because Emma STILL WOULDNT GO TO SLEEP (awake all night) and I was deliriously tired. The first few months are SO TOUGH and no one warns you of that because, well, it would freak you out.

Just know that PPD or just having a newborn, these feelings and times are NORMAL. I wish I had a magic answer for you.

Anonymous said...

I have been where you are and I know how hard it is. Please do not feel ashamed though. You will get through this. I have three children who are now all adults and I'm still alive and kicking. I think every mother has had the same thoughts regarding their ability at one time or another. Talking with you doctor is a very good idea.

Mary D in Texas

Anonymous said...

Parker,

I know from your writing that you enjoy reading others' blogs. If you don't already read it, I would suggest to you taking a peek at www.dooce.com The author of that blog written about her experiences with post partum depression and the helpless feeling of being a first time mom. I think you would really enjoy it and it would remind you that there are others out there that have gone through what you are and have come out the other side. Hang in there and be proud of yourself for getting the help you need. There is never any shame in that!

Two Wild and Crazy Guyz said...

DON'T be ashamed. It's not your fault. This will pass, I promise. Just visit with your doctor and see what he/she suggests. Be strong, take a deep breath, everything will be ok. As they say "This too shall pass."

Cate said...

There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You are asking for help in the right places and doing the right thing.

I echo the commenters suggesting taking Violet to the ped to make sure she's not colic or dealing with reflux. There might be a simple fix. If not, then it's one day at a time.

Is there a support group that you can join with other moms in the area? Sometimes hospitals have one with people who gave birth around the same time. It might help you to be around others who might be in the same situation.

What about your own family? Is there someone you can escape to for a little bit with Violet, if only to get a change of scenery?