Let me preface this post by stating that I know that some people are going to totally take this post out of context and get huffy. I'm so not interested in any judgmental comments or emails, so save the drama for your mama, y'all.
Meeting your baby for the first time. It is amazing to see that round little tomato face after so many months of wondering what he/she will look like. In the movies they would have you believe that instantly you feel so bonded to your newborn. And some women do. A lot of women don't though. At least not at first.
I felt disconnected to my daughter after she was born. I had to have a c-section after an intense 25 hours of labor, two hours of which were hard, non-stop pushing. The epidural did not work, so really it was as painful as natural childbirth. On top of that, horrible sciatic pain which had cursed me through out my pregnancy. All leading up to being a little bit out of my mind with pain for such a long time.
I wasn't too torn up about having to have a c-section. "HOW FAST CAN WE DO IT?!!!" was my reply I believe.
After she was 'out', she had problems breathing. Her arms and legs were blue, and that blue, that eerie blue, was creeping up her lower body and up to her chest. I felt like I waited so long while they were working on her (and I was being stitched back up) to see her. When they brought her to me to look at (not hold), I could only look at her for a few moments before I had a reaction to the drugs they gave me and I threw up. She was then taken to the nursery where she had what looked like a baby astronaut helmet put on her that gave her oxygen. It was hours before I'd see her and actually get to hold her.
I wasn't able to breastfeed. It was not the end of the world, but I felt like a failure. I think part of me felt like I wasn't as bonded to her because I wasn't able to breastfeed. What can you do though? You take what you have and you just deal with it.
Then came the colic.
Any colic survivors out there? High fives to you moms and dads that made it through colic.
I don't think anything in the world can completely prepare you for colic. All day long, all night long, the crying rarely ends. After weeks and weeks of crying, it is no wonder that I was very depressed. Taking care of this beautiful daughter I had been blessed with was the hardest thing I had ever done. Much harder than her labor. Harder than anything in my whole life.
What can you say to moms and dads dealing with a newborn that has colic?
HANG IN THERE. You can read all the articles you want, try out miracle blankets and gripe water, but in the end, you are left with a crying baby most days. You are going to feel so alone, so sad, so exhausted and disappointed. You had imagined a little angel baby would be arriving, and instead, this little squawking, tomato faced devil child is your kid.
IT DOES GET BETTER. I know it seems like it never will. Just hang in there. You don't have to fake a smile. You don't have to tell everyone that things are great. You don't have to do anything, except hang in there. Hang on for dear life.
The hurdles we faced together initially left me feeling disconnected to my baby girl. That too, gets better. You are perfectly normal if you feel that way too. Just know that if I can survive it, you can too. Believe it or not, in a few weeks or months, it will be a distant memory. OK, maybe a VIVID memory, but you get my point. Slowly but surely, that baby will starting smiling, start cooing, and in my case, turn into that little angel you always hoped for.